/* by arekibian */
This time of year again…Autumn has come and gone and just the skeletons of trees greet me each morning as I drive to work….this is the time of year for fires in the fireplace, blankets and hot chocolate….time spent with a loved one, curled up in quiet embrace and just..being.
I do not do well this time of the year, it is a time of painful and poignant memories…the crisp cold air biting at my skin as I walk towards the spot my dealer and I would meet…the snowfall heavy on the ground, my breath misting in front of my face as I break a little more with each step. A time where I languished in a cell year after year, alone and broken hearted. Lost to the world, a ghost while normal life went on outside the walls of my very real prison.
I just feel so weak and helpless this time of year, this year is especially painful for me. Single and wondering why…while others are out there, with their loved ones I lay awake at night dwelling and thinking..what is it about me? I mean I am not an unattractive man, I am talented, well spoken and educated, with a decent income and a bright future after college…I am gentlemanly, genuinely caring and kind hearted….I go out of my way for those I care about, always there the stalwart shoulder and ear, the support of so many.
”Sweetheart” has been coined in description of me many a time, and of course it is true..yet why do I find myself alone on these cold dark nights? I ask myself that all to often, and weighed down the past I find myself in an even more dreay mindset. I have far to much baggage, to much of a history with the dark side…and this has left me with a bitter taste, a cynical out look on life that I just can not shake. “Always a Bride’s Maid, Never A Bride” this is a wonderfully fitting statement for me, I give and give and be that “Gentleman and sweetheart”, they say that to their friends, they say that to me…and yet I am not the “Boy Friend Material” kind of guy, I guess. I am just That Friend. Good Ol’ Reliable for when they need someone, and then off they go again when a new boy comes along.
What happens to me? Well I get attached of course, it is part of my nature, I am much to co-dependent for my own good. I get feelings that I can not shake, and they lead no where except heartbreak…and so after a time I settle for less and get myself into a bad relationship for a bit, which inevitably leads to me being even more beaten down and disenfranchised with life in general….such is my fate it seems. Sure that’s melodramatic of me to say, hell I can only hope to be proven wrong some day. However at this time this is the case…and I’ve got to live with it…
C’est la vie.